Fairy Tales of Wind and Moonlight
by idontwannapopuponsearchengines
Summary: A series of fairy tales featuring Sesshomaru and Kagura as the main couple. Inspired by Fairy Tales of Mass Murderers and Detectives by LLDZ.
1. Rapunzel

Once upon a time there was a woman who married a man. They lived next door to a witch with a great field of flowers and herbs. The woman would often look into the garden (guarded by a tall fence) and see a bunch of this one herb called rapunzel. She always wanted to try some, but the witch was mean and would probably be mad at her if she stole some.

And so she got her husband to do it for her, and he climbed the fence and entered the garden. As he was picking some of the rapunzel for his wife, the witch came out and screeched at him.

"Why are you stealing my rapunzel?" Sara shrieked.

Terrified, the man stopped picking rapunzel and begged for Sara to spare his life like a pansy and he would do anything she asked.

"Oh, that's okay," Sara grinned. "But since you are offering, I will let you take all the rapunzel you want if I can have your firstborn child!" He agreed.

In nine months and three days they had a beautiful baby boy.Sara arrived to take the child.

"Sesshomaru!" she named him as she took the child. Sara took the boy, Sesshomaru over to her house (which was actually a giant tower.) She didn't want Sesshomaru to run away from her, so she kept him in the top room of the tower. There were no doors or stairs to it, so Sara used a ladder to bring him up there and climb in through the window.

When Sesshomaru was twelve, the ladder broke. But Sara hadn't cut Sesshomaru's hair (except for in the front) for all those years and his hair had grown abnormally fast. Not to mention it was gorgeous and shiny, for she used Loreal on it because he was worth it. So all she had to do was yell up:

"Sesshomaru! Sesshomaru! Let down your hair!"

Then Sesshy would just wind his hair around a hook conveniently located above the window, throw it down, and let Sara climb up for a visit.

One day when Sesshomaru was about sixteen, he was staring out the window and he saw a woman riding by on a horse and looking so sexy he got a boner right away.

Princess Kagura looked up at the tower conviniently just in time to to see the most girly looking, possibly gay, but still hot as hell guy in the window.

So Kagura began stalking the tower. As he was stalking, a witch-lady came by and yelled up "Sesshomaru, Sesshomaru! Let down your hair!" To her amazement, the guy from before showed up and let down some REALLY long, very shiny, very silky and amazingly gorgeous hair to let the witch climb up.

So the next day, Kagura set out on her mission to meet the object of her affections. She waited until the witch went up for the day, then once she came down and left, Kagura took her chance and ran over to yell up,

"Sesshomaru! Sesshomaru! Let down your hair!"

Sesshomaru was delighted to see that super special awesome chick from before, so he hooked his hair around the hook and tossed it down.

When she reached the top, Kagura grinned, and they both sat down and just talked for a start. Things continued like that, Sara talking to Sesshomaru, then Kagura talking to Sesshomaru, and so on and so forth.

Until one day, Sara looked out the window while up with Sesshomaru in the tower and spotted him staring at something. At first she thought he was looking at her, but then she realized that no, he wasn't looking at her.

He was looking at Kagura.

Furious, she went on a rampage, stomping about the room and screaming about how Kagura was stealing Sesshomaru's attention from her. She even decided that if she cut his hair then Kagura wouldn't like him anymore and wouldn't be able to come up. Even after snipping Sesshomaru's hair to be down to his shoulder's like a normal guy's would be, she was still mad. Then she declared,

"If I put you out in that old forest out there then she'll never see you again and you'll be all mine!"

Sesshomaru's eyes widened, but before he could do anything, Sara's little magic minions had grabbed him and pretty much teleported him out into the middle of the giant forest that was conveniently located right next door.

Then, a few hours later, Kagura rode by again and yelled up,

"Sesshomaru! Sesshomaru! Let down your hair!"

And Sara hooked the hair around the hook like Sesshomaru did and tossed it down. Kagura eagerly climbed up, but was greatly disappointed to see Sara instead of Sesshomaru.

"I threw Sesshomaru out into the forest so now you can't see him and he's MINE! MINE I TELL YOU MINE!"

Kagura's jaw dropped, and she dove out the window in fear and landed in a pile of thorns that appeared magically out of nowhere. The thorns somehow managed to poke her eyes out and make her blind.

Sara screamed at her to die, but Kagura used her amazing navigational skills to stumble off in the direction of the forest.

It was another day or so before Sesshomaru and Kagura both finally stumbled upon each other. Although she never got her eyesight back, they got married and lived happily ever after.


	2. Maid Maleen

There was once a King who had a son, Sesshomaru, who asked in marriage the daughter of a mighty King Naraku; she was called Maid Maleen, though her real name was Kagura, and was very beautiful.

No one knew why they called her Maid Kagura Maleen though.

Maid-Kagura-Maleen was in love with Prince Sesshomaru. Naraku wanted her to marry someone else so Sesshomaru was rejected; but as they both loved each other with all their hearts, they would not give each other up, and Maid-Kagura- Maleen said to her father, "I won't marry anyone else but my Sesshy."

Naraku threw a hissy fit and ordered a dark tower to be built, into which no ray of sunlight or moonlight should enter. When it was finished, he said, "You'll be imprisoned there for seven years, and then I'll come and see if you've lost your insanity yet, bitch!"

Food and water for the seven years were carried into the tower, and then she and her servant Kanna were led into it and walled up, and thus cut off from the sky and from the earth.

There they sat in the darkness, and knew not when day or night began. Sesshomaru often went around the tower, and called their names, but no sound pierced through the thick walls. What else could they do but lament and complain? Well, Kagura did. Kanna just sat there doing nothing.

Meanwhile the time passed, and by the diminution of the food and drink they knew that the seven years were coming to an end.

They thought the moment of their deliverance was to come; but no stroke of the hammer was heard, no stone fell out of the wall, and it seemed to Maid-Kagura-Maleen that her father had forgotten her. Figures. As they only had food for a short time longer, and saw a miserable death awaiting them, Kagura said, "We must try our last chance, and see if we can break through the wall." She took the bread-knife, and picked and bored at the mortar of a stone, and when she was tired, then waited for Kanna to take her turn.

However Kanna just kept staring off into space as usual, and Kagura had to slap the living shit out of her.

With great labor they succeeded in getting out one stone, and then a second, and a third, and when three days were over the first ray of light fell on their darkness, and at last the opening was so large that they could look out. The sky was blue, and a fresh breeze played on their faces; but how shitty everything looked all around!

Her father's castle lay in ruins, the town and the villages were, so far as could be seen, destroyed by fire, the fields far and wide laid to waste, and no human being was visible. When the opening in the wall was large enough for them to slip through, the Kanna sprang down first, and then Maid Kagura Maleen followed.

But where were they to go? The enemy had ravaged the whole kingdom, driven away Naraku, and slain all the inhabitants. They wandered forth to seek another country, but nowhere did they find shelter, or a human being to give them a mouthful of bread, and their need was so great that they were forced to appease their hunger with nettles. What the hell are nettles anyway?

When, after long journeying, they came into another country, they tried to get work everywhere; but wherever they knocked they were turned away, and no one would have pity on them. At last they arrived in a large city and went to the royal palace. There also they were ordered to go away, but at last the cook said that they might stay in the kitchen and be scullions.

The son of the King in whose kingdom they were, was, however, the very man who had been betrothed to Maid Kagura Maleen. His father had chosen another bride for him named Older Rin, whose face was as ugly as her heart was wicked. People would sing Ugly Girl around her because she looked like a miniature King Kong.

The wedding was fixed, and the Older Rin had already arrived; but because of her great ugliness, however, she shut herself in her room, and allowed no one to see her, and Maid Kagura Maleen had to take her her meals from the kitchen.

When the day came for the bride and the groom to go to church, she was ashamed of her ugliness, and afraid that if she showed herself in the streets, she would be mocked and laughed at by the people. Then she said to Kagura, "You got lucky. I sprained my foot, and cannot walk through the streets; so you'll put on my wedding-clothes and take my place! There is no greater honor than that!"

Kagura, however, refused it, and said, "Your clothes smell like horse shit!" It was in vain, too, that Older Rin offered her gold. At last she said angrily, "If you don't obey me, it shall cost you your life. I have but to speak the word, and your head will lie at your feet!"

Then she was forced to obey, and put on the bride's magnificent but stinky clothes and all her jewels. When she entered the royal hall, every one was amazed at her great beauty, and the King said to his son, "This is the bride whom I have chosen for you, and whom you must lead to church."

Sesshomaru was astonished, and thought, "She is like my Maid Kagura Maleen, and I should believe that it was she herself...but she has long been shut up in the tower, or dead." He took her by the hand and led her to church.

On the way, Maid Kagura Maleen kept talking to plants, and bridges, and church doors. In a whisper of course, or else others would think she was delusional, but she would say...

"Oh little plant, don't break...cause I'm not the true bride."

Or something like that.

When they got there the Sesshomaru took out a precious chain, put it around her neck, and fastened the clasp. There upon they entered the church, and the priest joined their hands together before the altar, and married them. He led her home, but she did not speak a single word the whole way.

When they got back to the royal palace, she hurried into the bride's chamber, put off the nasty clothes and the jewels, dressed herself back in her gray gown, and kept nothing but the jewel on her neck, which she had received from Sesshomaru.

When the night came, and Older Rin was to be led into Sesshomaru's apartment, she let her veil fall over her face, that he might not observe the deception. As soon as every one had gone away, he said to her, "Um...I don't know if I should say this, but I did kind of overhear you talking...what did you say to the plant which was growing by the wayside?"

"To which plant?" asked Older Rin. "I don't talk to plants."

"If you didn't do it, then you are not the true bride," said Sesshomaru.

So she thought and said, "I must go out unto my maid who keeps my thoughts for me."

That makes no sense. Who the fuck keeps another person's thoughts for them? That's not even possible! But the plot shall move forward cause this shit isn't supposed to make sense anyway.

Older Rin went out and sought Maid Kagura Maleen. "Girl, you're insane, talking to plants. What have you been saying to the plant?"

"I said nothing but

Oh, nettle-plant,  
Little nettle-plant,  
What dost thou here alone?  
I have known the time  
When I ate thee unboiled,  
When I ate thee unroasted."

"Why the hell would you say that to a plant?!" Older Rin cried; but later ran back into the chamber, and said, "I know now what I said to the plant," and she repeated the words which she had just heard.

"But what did you say to the foot-bridge when we went over it?" asked Sesshomaru.

"To the foot-bridge?" she answered. "I don't talk to foot-bridges."

"Then you're not the true bride."

She again said, "I must go out unto my maid, who keeps my thoughts for me," And ran out and found Kagura. "Girl, what did you say to the foot-bridge?"

"I said nothing but, foot-bridge, do not break, I am not the true bride."

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" cried Older Rin, but she hurried back into Sesshomaru's room, and said, "I know now what I said to the foot-bridge," and she repeated the words.

"But what did you say to the church-door?"

"To the church-door?" she replied, wondering exactly how many inanimate objects Kagura liked to conversate with. "I don't talk to church-doors."

"Then you're not the true bride." Sesshomaru repeated the line for what seems like 80 times in a row now.

She went out and found Maid Kagura Maleen, and said, "Girl, what did you say to the church-door?"

"I said nothing but,

Church-door, break not,  
I am not the true bride."

"That will break your neck!" cried the Older Rin, and flew into a terrible rage...but she hastened back into the room, and said, "I know now what I said to the church-door," and she repeated the words.

"But where is the jewel which I gave you at the church-door?"

"What jewel?" she answered; "you did not give me any jewel."

"I myself put it around your neck, and I myself fastened it; if you don't know that, you're not the true bride."

He drew the veil from her face, and when he saw her immeasurable ugliness, he sprang back terrified, and said, "How did you come here? Who are you?"

"I am your betrothed bride, but because I feared the people would mock me when they saw me out of doors, so I commanded the scullery-maid to dress herself in my clothes, and to go to church instead of me."

"Where is the girl?" said Sesshomaru. "I want to see her, go and bring her here."

Older Rin went out and told the servants that the scullery-maid was an impostor, and that they must take her out into the court-yard and strike off her head. The servants laid hold of Maid Kagura Maleen and wanted to drag her out, but she screamed so loudly for help, that the Sesshomaru heard her voice, hurried out of his chamber and ordered them to set the maiden free instantly.

Lights were brought, and then he saw on her neck the gold chain which he had given her at the church-door. "You are the true bride!" said Sesshomaru."You went with me to the church; come with me now to my room."

What a naughty prince.

When they were both alone, he said, "On the way to church you did name Maid Kagura Maleen, who was my betrothed bride; if I could believe it possible, I would think she was standing before me because you're like her in every respect."

She answered, "I am Maid Kagura Maleen, who for your sake was imprisoned seven years in the darkness, who suffered hunger and thirst, and has lived so long in want and poverty, you fucking jackass. Today, however, the sun is shining on me once more and I feel like being all poetic and whatnot! I was married to you in the church, and I am your lawful wife."

Then they kissed each other, and were happy all the days of their lives. Older Rin was rewarded for what she had done by having her head cut off.


	3. The Tin Soldier

There were once 25 tin soldiers who were all brothers for they had been made out of the same old tin spoon. They looked straight before them, and wore splendid armor of red white and blue. They must have been made in America.

The first thing in the world they ever heard were the words, "Tin soldiers!" uttered by a little boy named Kohaku, who clapped his hands with delight when the lid of the box in which they lay, was taken off.

They were given to him for a birthday present, and he stood at the table to set them up. The soldiers were all exactly alike, excepting one named Sesshomaru who had only one arm; he had been the last soldier made, and then there was not enough of the melted tin to finish him. So they made him to have only one arm, and this caused him to be very pissed off.

The table on which the tin soldiers stood was covered with other playthings, but the most attractive to the eye was a pretty little paper castle. Through the small windows the rooms could be seen. In front of the castle a number of little trees surrounded a piece of looking-glass, which was intended to represent a transparent lake. Swans, made of wax, swam on the lake, and were reflected in it.

All this was very pretty, but the prettiest of all was a tiny little lady, who stood at the open door of the castle; she also, was made of paper, and she wore a purple and white striped kimono. She wore feathers in her dark hair and green earrings in her ears. The little lady was a dancer, and she carried a large fan that covered one of her arms. Sesshomaru could not see it at all, and he thought that she, like himself, had only one arm.

"That is the wife for me," he thought. "But I'm too stoic and badass to admit I have feelings. Still, she's really hot." Then he laid himself at full length on the table behind a snuff-box that stood upon it, so that he could peep like a pervert at the little delicate lady, whose house said 'Kagura' on it, so Sesshomaru guessed that was her name.

When evening came, the other tin soldiers were all placed in the box, and the people of the house went to bed.

Then the playthings began to have their own games together and crap. The tin soldiers rattled in their box; they wanted to get out and join the amusements, but they could not open the lid. The nutcrackers played leap-frog, and the pencil jumped about the table. There was such a noise that the canary woke up and began to talk, and in poetry too.

Only Sesshomaru and Kagura remained in their places. She stood in a very sexy stance all sexy-like, with her big ass fan still covering her arm. He never took his eyes from her for even a moment. What a perverted stalker.

The clock struck twelve and, with a bounce, up sprang the lid of the snuff-box; but, instead of snuff, there jumped up a little black goblin named Naraku.

"Sesshomaru," said the goblin Naraku. "Don't wish for what does not belong to you."

But Sesshomaru pretended not to hear.

"Very well; wait till tomorrow, then! Kukuku." said Naraku.

When Kohaku came in the next morning, he placed Sesshomaru in the window. Now, whether it was the goblin Naraku who did it, or the draught, is not known, but the window flew open, and out fell Sesshomaru from the third story, into the street beneath.

Kohaku and his sister Sango went downstairs directly to look for him; but he was nowhere to be seen, although once they nearly ran over him.

It began to rain and the drops fell faster and faster, till there was a heavy shower. When it was over, two boys happened to pass by. One had silver hair just like Sesshomaru's and dog ears, the other with black hair and violet eyes. The dog-eared boy said, "Look, there is a tin soldier. He ought to have a boat to sail in."

So they made a boat out of a newspaper and placed Sesshomaru in it, and sent him sailing down the gutter while the two boys ran by the side of it and clapped their hands like retards.

The paper boat rocked up and down, and turned itself round sometimes so quickly that the Sesshomaru trembled; yet he remained firm; his countenance did not change; he was too stoic and macho so he looked straight before him, and grabbed his sword.

Suddenly the boat shot under a bridge which formed a part of a drain, and then it was as dark as the tin soldier's box.

"Where am I going now?" thought Sesshomaru. "This is Naraku's fault, I am sure. Ah, well, if Kagura were only here with me in the boat, I should not care for any darkness."

Suddenly there appeared water-toad Jaken, who lived in the drain.

"Have you a passport?" asked the Jaken. "Give it to me at once." But Sesshomaru remained silent and held his sword tighter than ever. The boat sailed on and the Jaken followed it. "Stop him, stop him; he has not paid toll, and has not shown his pass!"

But the stream rushed on stronger and stronger. Sesshomaru could already see daylight shining where the arch ended. Then he heard a roaring sound quite terrible enough to frighten the bravest man. At the end of the tunnel the drain fell into a large canal over a steep place, which made it as dangerous for him as a waterfall would be to us.

He was too close to it to stop, so the boat rushed on, and Sesshomaru could only hold himself as stiffly as possible, without moving an eyelid, to show that he was not afraid...even though he was scared enough to shit his pants.

The boat whirled round three or four times, and then filled with water to the very edge; nothing could save it from sinking. He now stood up to his neck in water, while deeper and deeper sank the boat, and the paper became soft and loose with the wetness, till at last the water closed over the Sesshomaru's head. He thought of the elegant little dancer Kagura whom he should never see again...

Then the paper boat fell to pieces, and Sesshomaru sank into the water and immediately afterwards was swallowed up by a great fish. Oh how dark it was inside the fish! A great deal darker than in the tunnel, and narrower too, but Sesshomaru continued firm, and lay at full length grabbing his sword.

The fish swam to and fro, making the most wonderful movements, but at last he became quite still. After a while, a flash of lightning seemed to pass through him, and then daylight approached, and a voice cried out, "Here is the tin soldier!"

The fish had been caught, taken to the market and sold to the cook Kaede, who took him into the kitchen and cut him open with a large knife. She picked up Sesshomaru and held him by the waist between her finger and thumb, and carried him into the room.

She placed him on the table, and he was in the very same room from the window of which he had fallen, there were the same children, the same playthings, standing on the table, and the pretty castle with the Kagura at the door; she still stood really sexy with her fan covering her arm, so she was as firm as himself.

It touched Sesshomaru so much to see her that he almost wept tin tears, but he kept them back. He only looked at her and they both remained silent.

Then one day when Kohaku had his friends over, the albino kid named Hakudoshi took Sesshomaru and threw him into the stove. He had no reason for doing so, therefore it must have been the fault of the black goblin Naraku who lived in the snuff-box.

He looked at the little lady, and she looked at him. He felt himself melting away, but he still remained firm holding his sword. Suddenly the door of the room flew open and the draught of air caught up Kagura and she fluttered like a sylph right into the stove by the side of the Sesshomaru.

Now in the original fairy tale they both die together in the stove, but I don't like that! Therefore, the stove was opened right back up by a little girl named Rin, who rescued the toy Sesshomaru and Kagura.

Not only that, she and Kohaku made a toy house for the two and placed them there so they could live happily ever after. YAYZ!


	4. Thumbelina

There was once a woman who wished very much to have a little child, but Kikyo could not obtain her wish. At last she went to a fairy, and said, "I should so very much like to have a little child; can you tell me where I can find one?"

"Oh, that can be easily managed," said the fairy. "Just find a man and have him impregnate you."

Kikyo just glared at her menacingly.

"Oh you're STERILE?! Haha, sucks to be you! Well, here is a barleycorn of a different kind to those which grow in the farmer's fields, and which the chickens eat; put it into a flower-pot, and see what will happen."

"Thank you," said Kikyo, and she purposely did not pay the fairy because of her insults. Then she went home and planted it, and immediately there grew up a large handsome flower, something like a tulip in appearance, but with its leaves tightly closed as if it were still a bud.

"It is a beautiful flower," said Kikyo, and she kissed the red and golden-colored leaves, and while she did so the flower opened and she could see that it was a real tulip.

Within the flower, sat a very delicate and graceful little girl. She was scarcely half as long as a thumb, and they gave her the name of "Thumbelina," because she was so small. But the girl didn't like that name so they called her Kagura instead.

A walnut-shell, elegantly polished, served her for a cradle; her bed was formed of blue violet-leaves, with a rose-leaf for a counterpane. Here she slept at night, but during the day she amused herself on a table, where Kikyo had placed a plateful of water. Around this plate were wreaths of flowers with their stems in the water, and upon it floated a large tulip-leaf, which served Kagura for a boat. Here the little maiden sat and rowed herself from side to side, with two oars made of white horse-hair.

It really was a very pretty sight. Kagura could, also, sing so softly and sweetly that nothing like her singing had ever before been heard. One night, while she lay in her pretty bed, a large, ugly, wet toad crept through a broken pane of glass in the window, and leaped right upon the table where Kagura lay sleeping under her rose-leaf quilt.

"What a pretty little wife this would make for my son," said the toad, and he took up the walnut-shell in which little Kagura lay asleep, and jumped through the window with it into the garden.

In the swampy margin of a broad stream in the garden lived the toad Naraku, with his son Hakudoshi. He was even uglier than his father, and when he saw the pretty little maiden in her elegant bed, he could only cry, "Croak, croak, croak."

"Don't speak so loud, or she will wake," said Naraku. "And then she might run away. We will place her on one of the water-lily leaves out in the stream; it will be like an island to her and since she is so light and small she cannot escape; and, while she is away, we will make haste and prepare the state-room under the marsh, in which you are to live when you are married."

Far out in the stream grew a number of water-lilies, with broad green leaves, which seemed to float on the top of the water. The largest of these leaves appeared farther off than the rest, and the old toad swam out to it with the walnut-shell, in which little Kagura lay still asleep.

The tiny little creature woke very early in the morning, and began to shout curse words bitterly when she found where she was, for she could see nothing but water on every side of the large green leaf, and no way of reaching the land.

Meanwhile Naraku was very busy under the marsh, decking her room with rushes and wild yellow flowers, to make it look pretty for his new daughter-in-law. Then he swam out with his ugly son to the leaf on which she had placed poor little Kagura.

He wanted to fetch the pretty bed that he might put it in the bridal chamber to be ready for her. The old toad bowed low to her in the water, and said, "Here is my son, he will be your husband, and you will live happily in the marsh by the stream."

"Croak, croak, croak," was all Hakudoshi could say for himself; so the toad took up the elegant little bed, and swam away with it, leaving Kagura all alone on the green leaf where she sat and called him all sorts of names. She could not bear to think of living with the old toad, and having her ugly son for a husband.

The little fish who swam about in the water beneath, had seen the toad, and heard what he said, so they lifted their heads above the water to look at the little maiden. As soon as they caught sight of her, they saw she was very pretty, and it made them very sorry to think that she must go and live with the ugly toads.

"No, it must never be!" so they assembled together in the water, round the green stalk which held the leaf on which the little woman stood, and gnawed it away at the root with their teeth. Then the leaf floated down the stream, carrying Kagura far away out of reach of land.

Kagura sailed past many towns, and the little birds in the bushes saw her and sang, "What a lovely little creature;" while the leaf swam away with her farther and farther till it brought her to other lands.

A graceful little white butterfly named Kanna constantly fluttered round her, and at last alighted on the leaf. Kagura was glad of it, for now the toad could not possibly reach her and the country through which she sailed was beautiful.

She took off her girdle and tied one end of it round Kanna, and the other end of the ribbon she fastened to the leaf, which now glided on much faster than ever, taking little Kagura with it as she stood.

Then a large cockchafer named Koga flew by-the moment he caught sight of her, he seized her around her delicate waist with his claws, and flew with her into a tree. The green leaf floated away on the brook, and the butterfly flew with it, for she was fastened to it, and could not get away.

Oh, how frightened little Kagura felt when the cockchafer flew with her to the tree! But especially was she sorry for the beautiful white butterfly which she had fastened to the leaf, for if she could not free herself she would die of hunger.

But Koga did not trouble himself at all about the matter. He seated himself by her side on a large green leaf, gave her some honey from the flowers to eat, and told her she was very pretty, though not in the least like a cockchafer. After a time, all the cockchafers turned up their feelers, and said, "She has only two legs! How ugly that looks."

"She has no feelers," said another. "Her waist is quite slim. Pooh! She is like a human being."

"Oh! She is ugly," said all the lady cockchafers, although Kagura was very pretty. Then Koga believed all the others when they said she was ugly, and would have nothing more to say to her, and told her she might go where she liked. Then he flew down with her from the tree, and placed her on a daisy, and she shouted death threats at all of them for calling her ugly.

During the whole summer poor little Kagura lived quite alone in the wide forest. She wove herself a bed with blades of grass, and hung it up under a broad leaf, to protect herself from the rain. She sucked the honey from the flowers for food, and drank the dew from their leaves every morning. So passed away the summer and the autumn, and then came the winter— the long, cold winter.

All the birds who had sung to her so sweetly were flown away, and the trees and the flowers had withered. The large clover leaf under the shelter of which she had lived, was now rolled together and shrivelled up, nothing remained but a yellow withered stalk. She felt dreadfully cold, for her clothes were torn, and she was herself so small that poor little Kagura was nearly frozen to death.

She came at last to the door of a field-mouse, who had a little den under the corn-stubble.

There dwelt the field-mouse in warmth and comfort, with a whole roomful of corn, a kitchen, and a beautiful dining room. Poor little Kagura stood before the door just like a little beggar, and begged for a small piece of barley-corn, for she had been without a morsel to eat for two days.

"You poor little creature," said the field-mouse Kaede who was really a good old field-mouse, "Come into my warm room and dine with me." She was very pleased with Kagura, so she said, "You are quite welcome to stay with me all the winter, if you like; but you must keep my rooms clean and neat, and tell me stories, for I shall like to hear them very much." And Kagura did all the field-mouse asked her, and found herself very comfortable.

"We shall have a visitor soon," said Kaede one day. "My neighbor Bankotsu pays me a visit once a week. He is better off than I am; he has large rooms, and wears a beautiful black velvet coat. If you could only have him for a husband, you would be well provided for indeed. But he is blind, so you must tell him some of your prettiest stories."

But Kagura did not feel at all interested about this neighbor, for he was a mole. However, he came and paid his visit dressed in his black velvet coat.

"He is very rich and learned, and his house is twenty times larger than mine," said Kaede.

He was rich and learned, no doubt, but he always spoke slightingly of the sun and the pretty flowers, because he had never seen them.

Kagura was obliged to sing to him, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MEEEEE!" and many other pretty songs. Bankotsu fell in love with her because she had such a sweet voice; but he said nothing yet, for he was very cautious. A short time before, the mole had dug a long passage under the earth, which led from the dwelling of Kaede to his own, and here she had permission to walk with Kagura whenever she liked. But he warned them not to be alarmed at the sight of a dead bird which lay in the passage.

It was a perfect bird, with a beak and feathers, and could not have been dead long, and was lying just where the mole had made his passage. Bankotsu took a piece of phosphorescent wood in his mouth, and it glittered like fire in the dark; then he went before them to light them through the long, dark passage. When they came to the spot where lay the dead bird, Bankotsu pushed his broad nose through the ceiling, the earth gave way, so that there was a large hole, and the daylight shone into the passage.

In the middle of the floor lay a dead swallow, his beautiful wings pulled close to his sides, his feet and his head drawn up under his feathers; the poor bird had evidently died of the cold. It made little Kagura very sad to see it, she did so love the little birds; all the summer they had sung and twittered for her so beautifully. But Bankotsu pushed it aside with his crooked legs, and said, "He will sing no more now. How miserable it must be to be born a little bird! I am thankful that none of my children will ever be birds, for they can do nothing but cry, 'Tweet, tweet,' and always die of hunger in the winter."

"Yes, you may well say that, as a clever man!" exclaimed Kaede. "What is the use of his twittering, for when winter comes he must either starve or be frozen to death. Still birds are very high bred."

Kagura said nothing; but when the two others had turned their backs on the bird, she stooped down and stroked aside the soft feathers which covered the head, and kissed the closed eyelids. She reognized this one-his name was Sesshomaru.

"This was the one who sang to me so sweetly in the summer," she said. "And how much pleasure it gave me, you dear, pretty bird."

Bankotsu now stopped up the hole through which the daylight shone, and then accompanied the lady home. But during the night Kagura could not sleep; so she got out of bed and wove a large, beautiful carpet of fluff; then she carried it to the dead bird, and spread it over him.

It was as soft as wool, and she spread some fluff on each side of Sesshomaru, so that he might lie warm in the cold earth. "Farewell, you pretty little bird," said she, "Farewell; thank you for your delightful singing during the summer, when all the trees were green, and the warm sun shone upon us. HOLY FUCK I SOUND CHEESY!"

Then she laid her head on the Sesshomaru's chest, but she was alarmed immediately, for it seemed as if something inside the bird went "thump, thump." It was the his heart; he was not really dead, only benumbed with the cold, and the warmth had restored him to life. In autumn, all the swallows fly away into warm countries, but if one happens to linger, the cold seizes it, it becomes frozen, and falls down as if dead; it remains where it fell, and the cold snow covers it.

Kagura trembled very much; she was quite frightened, for Sesshomaru was large, a great deal larger than herself,—she was only an inch high. But she took courage, laid the fluffy boa more thickly over the poor swallow, and then took a leaf which she had used for her own counterpane, and laid it over the head of the poor bird.

The next morning she again stole out to see him. He was alive but very weak; he could only open his eyes for a moment to look at Kagura, who stood by holding a piece of decayed wood in her hand, for she had no other lantern. "Thank you, pretty little girl," said the sick swallow. "I have been so nicely warmed, that I shall soon regain my strength, and be able to fly about again in the warm sunshine showing off my sexy hair."

"Oh, I'm Kagura." said she. "It is cold out of doors now; it snows and freezes. Stay in your warm bed; I will take care of you."

The whole winter the swallow remained underground, and Kagura nursed him with care and love.

Neither Bankotsu nor the Kaede knew anything about it, for they did not like swallows. Very soon the spring time came, and the sun warmed the earth. Then the swallow bade farewell to Kagura, and she opened the hole in the ceiling which the mole had made. The sun shone in upon them so beautifully, that Sesshomaru asked her if she would go with him; she could sit on his back, he said, and he would fly away with her into the green woods.

But Kagura knew it would make the field-mouse very grieved if she left her in that manner, so she said, "No, I cannot."

"Farewell, then." said the swallow; and he flew out into the sunshine.

Kagura looked after him, and the tears rose in her eyes. She was very fond of the poor swallow.

"Tweet, tweet," sang Sesshomaru as he flew out into the green woods, and Kagura felt very sad. She was not allowed to go out into the warm sunshine. The corn which had been sown in the field over the house of the Kaede had grown up high into the air, and formed a thick wood to Kagura, who was only an inch in height.

"You are going to be married, Kagura," said the Kaede. "My neighbor has asked for you. What good fortune for a poor child like you. Now we will prepare your wedding clothes. They must be both woollen and linen. Nothing must be wanting when you are the mole's wife."

Kagura had to turn the spindle, and the field-mouse hired four spiders, who were to weave day and night. Every evening Bankotsu visited her, and was continually speaking of the time when the summer would be over. Then he would keep his wedding-day with Kagura; but now the heat of the sun was so great that it burned the earth, and made it quite hard, like a stone. HAHA! HE MADE IT HARD, GET IT?!

As soon, as the summer was over, the wedding should take place. But Kagura was not at all pleased; for she did not like the tiresome mole. Every morning when the sun rose, and every evening when it went down, she would creep out at the door, and as the wind blew aside the ears of corn, so that she could see the blue sky, she thought how beautiful and bright it seemed out there, and wished so much to see her dear swallow again. But he never returned; for by this time he had flown far away into the lovely green forest.

When autumn arrived, Kagura had her outfit quite ready; and the Kaede said to her, "In four weeks the wedding must take place."

Then Kagura threw a fit, and said she would not marry Bankotsu.

"Nonsense," replied the Kaede. "Now don't be obstinate, or I shall bite you with my white teeth. He is a very handsome mole; the queen herself does not wear more beautiful velvets and furs. His kitchen and cellars are quite full. You ought to be very thankful for such good fortune."

So the wedding-day was fixed, on which the mole Bankotsu was to fetch Kagura away to live with him, deep under the earth, and never again to see the warm sun, because he did not like it. The poor child was very unhappy at the thought of saying farewell to the beautiful sun, and as Kaede had given her permission to stand at the door, she went to look at it once more.

"Farewell bright sun," she cried, stretching out her arm towards it; and then she walked a short distance from the house; for the corn had been cut, and only the dry stubble remained in the fields. "Farewell, farewell," she repeated, twining her arm round a little red flower that grew just by her side. "Greet the little swallow for me, if you should see him again."

"Tweet, tweet," sounded over her head suddenly. She looked up, and there was the swallow Sesshomaru himself flying close by. As soon as he spied Kagura, he was delighted; and then she told him how unwilling she felt to marry the ugly mole, and to live always beneath the earth, and never to see the bright sun any more.

"Cold winter is coming," said Sesshomaru. "And I am going to fly away into warmer countries. Will you go with me? You can sit on my back, and fasten yourself on with your sash. Then we can fly away from the ugly mole and his gloomy rooms—far away, over the mountains, into warmer countries, where the sun shines more brightly than here; where it is always summer, and the flowers bloom in greater beauty. Fly now with me, dear little Kagura; you saved my life when I lay frozen in that dark passage."

"Yes, I will go with you," said Kagura; and she seated herself on the bird's back, with her feet on his outstretched wings, and tied her girdle to one of his strongest feathers.

Then the swallow rose in the air, and flew over forest and over sea, high above the highest mountains, covered with eternal snow. Kagura would have been frozen in the cold air, but she crept under Sesshomaru's warm feathers, keeping her little head uncovered, so that she might admire the beautiful lands over which they passed..

At last they came to a blue lake, and by the side of it, shaded by trees of the deepest green, stood a palace of dazzling white marble, built in the olden times. Vines clustered round its lofty pillars, and at the top were many swallows' nests, and one of these was the home of the swallow who carried Kagura.

"This is my house," said the Sesshomaru. "But it would not do for you to live there—you would not be comfortable. You must choose for yourself one of those lovely flowers, and I will put you down upon it, and then you shall have everything that you can wish to make you happy."

"That will be delightful," she said, and clapped her little hands for joy.

A large marble pillar lay on the ground, which, in falling, had been broken into three pieces. Between these pieces grew the most beautiful large white flowers; so Sesshomaru flew down with Kagura, and placed her on one of the broad leaves. Then they got married and lived happily ever after like in every fairy tale, YAYZ!


	5. Hercules

Once apon a motherfucking time, the God named Inu no Taisho had a big ass battle with the Titans. Later he married Goddess Sesshmom and knocked her up.

Soon the baby was born! Inu no Taisho and Sesshmom proudly threw a birthday party, and named their son Sesshomaru. Everybody was laughing and having a good time, when a very hated God of the Underworld decided to show up.

"He's not that strong!" Naraku said, walking over to Sesshomaru and teasing him. Sesshomaru beat the living shit out of Naraku.

Everyone laughed at Naraku, who had just been beaten up by a newborn baby. But Naraku just smirked and went back to the underworld, for soon he would overthrow Inu no Taisho and RULE THE WORLD!

"KANNA! HAKUDOSHI!" he called as soon as he got back home. Kanna came over like a good little mind slave, but Hakudoshi had to be dragged. Naraku asked him if the Wolf Tribe was here yet, and much to his displeasure, Hakudoshi said that they'd been waiting for an hour.

"Memo to me...Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting." Naraku muttered as he approached Koga, Ginta and Hakkaku. "Wolves! Hah. I am so sorry that I'm..."

"Late." Koga, Ginta and Hakkaku said in unison.

"We knew you would be." said Koga.

"We know everything." said Ginta.

"Past." said Hakkaku.

"Present." said Koga.

"And future." said Ginta.

"Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big." Hakkaku whispered to Kanna.

Naraku stared at them because they were annoying as hell. He asked if Inu no Taisho's new son Sesshomaru was gonna ruin his evil scheme, and the wolves replied; "Yes, when the planets line up like this. So give up, loser. It's over." They vanished into thin air, laughing maniacally.

What?! Naraku couldn't stand it! He had to have Sesshomaru dead...but dammit, Sesshomaru was a god, and couldn't be killed.

A-ha! Bingo! A lightbulb flashed on the side of Naraku's head. He had a magic potion thing-if a god or goddess drank every last drop, they'd become mortal! And so he sent out Kanna and Hakudoshi, ordering them to make Sesshomaru human and kill him.

And so Kanna and Hakudoshi did as they were told and kidnapped baby Sesshomaru. They gave him the bottle of the magical thingy and he drank and drank and drank...until some random people interrupted and he broke the bottle, and the last drop dissipated on the floor.

It was an elderly couple, Kaede and Totosai. They saw baby Sesshomaru on the ground and squealed in delight, for they had been wanting a son! Kanna and Hakudoshi tried to scare them off, but Sesshomaru beat the living shit out of them. They watched as Kaede and Totosai took Sesshomaru as their adoptive son and trembled as they knew they had failed.

"Naraku is gonna kill us when he finds out!" Hakudoshi shrieked.

"You mean, IF he finds out." Kanna replied, and Hakudoshi agreed.

Growing up, Sesshomaru was mortal, yes, but he retained his god-like strength because he didn't drink the last drop. Unfortunately everyone was jealous of his good looks, shiny hair, feather boa and super strength and he never had any friends. Sesshomaru often curled up in his room and stoically cried...yes, he cried in a stoic manner.

Kaede and Totosai couldn't bear to see their boy in such pain, and they told him the truth-that he was adopted. Immediately Sesshomaru decided to go to the Inu no Taisho's temple and pray, because everyone knows that praying to inanimate statues solves all your problems.

But Sesshomaru was lucky though, as this statue wasn't so inanimate. It amazingly CAME TO LIFE DUN DUN DUN! He told his son, well, basically everything that we already know that Sesshomaru didn't...except for how to become immortal again. To that question, he simply replied; "Become a true hero, look inside your heeeaaaarrrttt..." in a very epic and echo-y manner before giving Sesshomaru a flying dragon named Ah-Un so he could look for the trainer Jaken, and then became an inanimate statue again.

Jaken wasn't happy about it. He whined and complained about how he was retired because he was a failure and didn't wanna train anyone anymore. However Sesshomaru threw a rock at him, and he immediately changed his mind.

After years of rigorous training, Sesshomaru, Jaken and Ah-Un went on their first mission when they heard a female voice shriek.

"Sounds like your basic DID: a damsel in distress!" squawked Jaken, and they went down to investigate.

It was a blue centaur named Nessus, bothering a woman. An extremely hot and sexy woman that Sesshomaru wanted to glomp right then and there, but he didn't because he was too badass. She had a sexy sexy body, sexy red lips and eyes, black hair in a bun with feathers in it, and wore a purple and white kimono.

Sesshomaru marched right up to Nessus and challenged him but the woman told him to fuck off.

"But aren't you a damsel in distress?" Sesshomaru asked stupidly.

"I'm a damsel, I'm in distress...I can handle this. Have a nice day!" She sarcastically batted her eyelashes. Sesshomaru got horny off of that.

Regardless of what the girl said, Sesshomaru fought the big thing. At first he was getting his ass kicked like a pansy, but then at the last minute he got lucky and won. Jaken lectured Sesshomaru about his poor fighting techniques, but Sesshomaru was more interested in talking to the gorgeous woman in front of him.

Her name was Kagura, and she flirted with him in a way that made him nice and hot. Even Jaken and Ah-Un got jealous! Sesshomaru found himself all tongue-tied and struggled to even talk to her. Soon they had to part ways, even though they wanted to make out.

Kagura returned to the forest and was greeted by Naraku, who was not very happy.

"What exactly happened here?" he asked. "I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising and here I am sort of... river-guardian-less."

He went on and on and on about how he was gonna add more years to Kagura's sentence as his slave.

"Look, it wasn't my fault!" shouted Kagura. "It was this guy named Sesshomaru."

Naraku asked over and over again about the name, while Hakudoshi and Kanna tried to remember where they had heard that name before. By the time they realized who it was, Naraku was very angry at Kanna and Hakudoshi and he threw a temper tantrum. A real hissy fit!

"At least we made him mortal!" Hakudoshi pointed out. Naraku thought about this, and another lightbulb popped out at the side of his head. He had IDEAS!

Meanwhile, Sesshomaru tried to prove himself as a hero but everyone laughed at him because of his makeup and shiny hair that made him look like a transvestite. Luckily Kagura approached him about some disaster (which was actually Naraku's plan to kill him) and, after a long fight consisting of very stupid and unnecessary moves, Sesshomaru won.

Just because he won one fight, he was suddenly a superstar! He had paparazzi chasing him, cheerleaders rooting for him, millions of dollars, was on the cover of every magazine, and made friends with Chuck Norris. Sesshomaru was a big celebrity!

Even Kanna and Hakudoshi were buying his merchandise, which made Naraku very angry, and he threw many more hissy fits and temper tantrums. But he realized that everyone had a weakness, so Sesshomaru HAD to have one. And since he seemed to like Kagura, she was the perfect person to find out what his weakness was.

"I need somebody who can...handle him as a man." said Naraku, winking like an idiot.

Kagura rolled her eyes. "Hey, I've sworn off manhandling."

"Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into this jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Huh?"

" Look, I learned my lesson, okay?"

"Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down Sesshomaru and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom."

Sesshomaru had gone back to his dad's temple, but to his disappointment, Inu no Taisho told him he still hadn't become a true hero. He went to his photo shoot very angry and choked the photographer. He was pissed until Kagura showed up and asked him out on a date-he had SCORED with the mega-hot chick of his dreams!

And so they went on a very romantic date with flowers and birds and singing and all that romantic crap. Kagura tried and tried to find out his weakness, but she found herself falling in love with his fluffy boa and silky hair with each passing moment. They almost kissed, but Jaken and Ah-Un got jealous and dragged him off. Unfortunately Jaken hit his head on a tree branch and passed out in the area.

Kagura sang a stupid song, and Naraku showed up and questioned her. Kagura was in love, even though she WOULDN'T SAY IT, so she told him to fuck off. Naraku threw more hissy fits, but figured out his weakness was KAGURA DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!

Jaken woke up just then and heard a little bit of the conversation...just enough to find out Kagura was a minion of Naraku. He went and "warned" Sesshomaru, who bitch-slapped him while Ah-Un got seduced by a fake female dragon somewhere. Jaken wept like a little pansy and left to go on a boat.

Naraku showed up-POOF- out of nowhere and tried to make a deal with Sesshomaru to have him take a day off. Sesshomaru was about to bitch-slap him, but Naraku threatened to hurt Kagura if he didn't comply. So they made the deal that if he surrenders his strength for the next twenty-four hours, Kagura will remain free of harm, and then informs him that she was his minion soon after.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they both cried and wept.

And so Naraku freed the Titans and sent them to destroy the gods and goddesses so he could take over the world. The Cyclops was sent to kill Sesshomaru. Because he had given up his strength, sesshomaru got his ass kicked fiercly and was thrown around like a little twig. Kagura went to find Jaken, and Jaken came back and gave a corny speech about random crap. Inspired by the cheesiness of it all, Sesshomaru defeated the cyclops!

However, during the monster's rampage, a column started to fall. Sesshomaru was right underneath it, and Kagura pushed him away from it. The column fell and ended up hurting Kagura.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Sesshomaru leaping to save her. As a result, the deal was broken and Sesshomaru's strength was returned.

When Sesshomaru asked Kagura why she would risk her life for him, she replied, "People always do crazy things when they're in love". Touched by the cheesiness, because he always had a hard on for corny lines, Sesshomaru promised Kagura that she won't die.

And then Kagura died while Sesshomaru saved the gods and goddesses. Ironic, huh?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sesshomaru shouted. He went to Naraku and demanded for Kagura to be revived, but Naraku showed him that she was currently trapped in a river of...dead souls and crap.

Naraku allowed Sesshomaru to trade his soul for Kagura's, hoping to return Kagura's soul to the surface of the river before he is killed. Sesshomaru jumped in and as his lifeline was about to be cut by the wolves, his super-duper courage and special awesome willingness to sacrifice his life for others proved him a true hero, restoring all his godly powers and rendering him immortal.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYZ!

Sesshomaru punched Naraku into the river full of dead people before he revived Kagura and went to where the gods lived. But when Kagura's entrance was denied, Sesshomaru chose to become mortal and stay on Earth with her.

They all lived happily ever after, except for Naraku, who never got out of that dumb river.


	6. The Little Match Girl

Most terribly cold it was; it snowed, and was nearly quite dark, and it was the last evening of the year. In this cold and dark...coldness and darkness there went along the street a poor little girl, who was actually a grown woman named Kagura.

When she left home she had slippers on, but what was the good of that? They were very large slippers, which her mother had worn; they were so large the poor little thing lost them as she scuffled away across the street, because of two carriages that rolled by dreadfully fast. She took the liberty of throwing rocks at those stupid carriages.

One slipper was nowhere to be found; the other had been laid hold of by an urchin, and off he ran with it; he thought it would do capitally for a cradle when he some day or other should have children himself.

So Kagura walked on with her tiny naked feet, that were quite red and blue from cold. They looked like the American flag. The flakes of snow covered her black hair that she kept held up in a bun with two feathers. She carried a quantity of matches in an old apron, and she held a bundle of them in her hand. Nobody had bought anything from her the whole day.

From all the windows the candles were gleaming, and it smelt so deliciously of roast goose, for it was New Year's Eve.

In a corner formed by two houses, of which one advanced more than the other, she seated herself down and curled up in a little ball. Her little feet she had drawn close up to her. She grew colder and colder but she couldn't go home for she had not sold any matches and could money; her father Naraku would surely beat her.

Her little hands were almost numbed with cold. Oh! a match might afford her a world of comfort, if she only dared take a single one out of the bundle, draw it against the wall, and warm her fingers by it. She drew one out and how it blazed, how it burnt! It was a warm, bright flame, like a candle, as she held her hands over it: it was a wonderful light.

It seemed to Kagura as though she were really sitting before a large iron stove, with burnished brass feet and a brass ornament at top. The fire burned with such blessed influence; it warmed so delightfully. Kagura had already stretched out her feet to warm them; but--the small flame went out, the stove vanished: she had only the remains of the burnt-out match in her hand.

She rubbed another against the wall: it burned brightly, and where the light fell on the wall, there the wall became transparent like a veil, so that she could see into the room. On the table was spread a snow-white tablecloth; upon it was a splendid porcelain service, and the roast goose was steaming famously with its stuffing of apple and dried plums.

And what was still more capital to behold was, the goose hopped down from the dish, reeled about on the floor with knife and fork in its breast, till it came up to the Kagura when--the match went out and nothing but the thick, cold, damp wall was left behind.

She lit another match. Now there she was sitting under the most magnificent Christmas tree: it was still larger, and more decorated than the one which she had seen through the glass door in the rich merchant's house.

Thousands of lights were burning on the green branches, and gaily-colored pictures, such as she had seen in the shop-windows, looked down upon her. Kagura stretched out her hands towards them when--the match went out. The lights of the Christmas tree rose higher and higher, she saw them now as stars in heaven; one fell down and formed a long trail of fire.

"Someone just died!" said the Kagura; for her deceased husband Sesshomaru, the only person who had loved her had told her that when a star falls, a soul ascends to God.

She drew another match against the wall: it was again light, and in the lustre there stood the Sesshomaru, so fluffy and shiny, his makeup painted on, his crecent moon looking very gay on his forehead.

"Sesshomaru!" cried the Kagura. "Oh, take me with you! You go away when the match burns out; you vanish like the warm stove, like the delicious roast goose, and like the magnificent Christmas tree!" And she rubbed the whole bundle of matches quickly against the wall, for she wanted to be quite sure of keeping her husband near her.

Unfortunately Kagura was really dumb and didn't even realize those were illusions and that was why they kept disappearing.

And the matches gave such a brilliant light that it was brighter than at noon-day: never formerly had Sesshomaru been so beautiful and so tall. He took the Kagura on her arm, and both flew in brightness and in joy so high, so very high, and then above was neither cold, nor hunger, nor anxious--they were with God.

But in the corner, at the cold hour of dawn, sat Kagura with rosy cheeks and with a smiling mouth, leaning against the wall--frozen to death on the last evening of the old year. Stiff and stark sat the child there with her matches, of which one bundle had been burnt.

"She wanted to warm herself," people said. No one had the slightest suspicion of what beautiful things she had seen; no one even dreamed of the splendor in which with her husband she had entered on the joys of a new year.


	7. Swan Lake

There was once a hunter named Sesshomaru who used often to spend the whole night stalking the deer or setting traps for game. Actually he still does; he's quite the stalker. He was also a perverted Peeping Tom.

One night that he was hiding in a clump of bushes near the lake to look for some wild ducks that he wished to trap and make into another furry boa. Suddenly he heard, high up in the air, a whirring of wings and thought the ducks were coming; and he got his sword ready. I don't know how he hunted with a sword; he just did.

But instead of ducks there appeared seven girls all clad in robes made of feathers, and they alighted on the banks of the lake, and taking off their robes plunged into the waters and bathed and sported in the lake. And Sesshomaru leaped for joy inside his mind because there was nothing a Peeping Tom loved more than stalking on young girls and spying on them bathing.

They were all beautiful, but of them all the youngest and smallest pleased most the Sesshomaru's eye, and he crept forward from the bushes and seized her dress of plumage and took it back with him into the bushes, grinning like a psycho.

After the swan maidens had bathed and sported to their heart's delight, they came back to the bank wishing to put on their feather robes again; and the six eldest found theirs, but the youngest, named Kagura, could not find hers. They searched and they searched until at last the dawn began to appear, and the six sisters called out to her, "Go fuck yourself! You should've kept track of your robe anyway and it's not our fault you lost it." And with that they donned their robes and flew away, and away, and away. And away. And away. And away. And away. And away. And away .And away. And away. And away. And away. And away. And away. And away. And away.

When Sesshomaru saw them fly away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away and away,he came forward with the feather robe in his hand; and Kagura slapped the living shit out of him for stalking her and spying on her like a pervert before demanding that he gave her clothes back.

He gave her his cloak but would not give her her robe, feeling that she would fly away. He asked her out on a date and Kagura said yes, for he was very sexy. So he took her home and while she was drunk, he hid her feather robe where she could not find it. Sesshomaru hoped to get laid but did not.

So they were married and Sesshomaru finally got laid; and had they two fine children, Hakudoshi and Kanna, who grew up strong and beautiful; and Kagura loved them with all her heart.

One day Kanna was playing at hide-and-seek with Hakudoshi, and she went behind the large rock that had a sign on it saying "There are absolutely no feather robes hidden behind this rock" to hide herself. She found there a robe all made of feathers, got angry at the sign for lying to her and took it to Kagura.

As soon as she saw it she put it on and said to Kanna, "Tell father that if he wishes to see me again he must find me in the Land East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon;" and with that she flew away.

When Sesshomaru came home next morning Kanna told him what had happened and what her mother said. So he set out to find Kagura in the Land East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon...believing that a land with a name like that actually existed. But hey, it's a fairy tale so anything could exist.

And he wandered for many days until he came across the wolf demon Koga, who had fallen on the ground, and he lifted him up and helped him to a seat and stalked him-I mean, tended to him until he felt better.

Then Koga asked him what he was doing and where he was going. And he told him all about the swan maidens and his wife, and he asked the Koga if he had heard of the Land East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon.

And Koga said, "No, but I can ask."

Then he uttered a shrill whistle and soon all the plain in front of them was filled with all of the beasts of the world, for Koga was no less than the King of the Beasts.

And he called out to them, "Who is there here that knows where the Land is East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon?" But none of the beasts knew.

Then Koga said to the Sesshomaru, "You must go seek my brother Inuyasha who is the King of the Birds," and told him how to find his brother.

And after a time he found the King of the Birds, and told him what he wanted. So Inuyasha whistled loud and shrill, and soon the sky was darkened with all the birds of the air, who came around him. Then he asked, "Which of you knows where is the Land East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon?"

And none answered, and Inuyasha said, "Then you must consult my brother Miroku, the King of the Fishes," and he told him how to find him.

And Sesshomaru went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, and he went on, until he came to the King of the Fishes, and he told him what he wanted. And the Miroku went to the shore of the sea and summoned all the fishes of the sea. And when they came around him he called out, "Which of you knows where is the Land East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon?"

And none of them answered, until at last a dolphin that had come late called out, "I have heard that at the top of the Crystal Mountain lies the Land East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon; but how to get there I know not save that it is near the Wild Forest."

So Sesshomaru thanked the Miroku and went to the Wild Forest. And as he got near there he found two men quarrelling, the assassins Bankotsu and Jakotsu and as he came near they came towards him and asked him to settle their dispute.

"Now what is it?" said Sesshomaru.

"Our father has just died and he has left but two things, this cap which, whenever you wear it, nobody can see you, and these shoes, which will carry you through the air to whatever place you will. Now I being the elder claim the right of choice, which of these two I shall have; and he declares that, as the younger, he has the right to the shoes. Which do you think is right?"

So Sesshomaru thought and thought, and at last he said, "It is difficult to decide, but the best thing I can think of is for you to race from here to that tree yonder, and whoever gets back to me first I will hand him either the shoes or the cap, whichever he wishes."

So he took the shoes in one hand and the cap in the other, and waited until they had started off running towards the tree. He smirked evilly, and as soon as they had started running towards the tree he put on the shoes of swiftness and placed the invisible cap on his head and wished himself in the Land East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon.

And he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, and he flew, over seven Bends, and seven Glens, and seven Mountain Moors, until at last he came to the Crystal Mountain. And on the top of that, as the dolphin had said, there was the Land East o' the Sun and West o' the Moon.

Holy shit, it existed. They even had a sign up there with that long ass name on it.

Now when he got there he took off his invisible cap and shoes of swiftness and asked who ruled over the Land he was told that there was a king named Naraku who had seven daughters who dressed in swans' feathers and flew wherever they wished.

Then Sesshomaru knew that he had come to the Land of his wife. And he went boldly to Naraku and said, "Hail, oh king, I have come to seek my wife."

And Naraku said, "Who the fuck are you, you gay looking stranger? And who is your wife?"

Sesshomaru said, "Your youngest daughter. And look at your own violet-eyeshadow-wearing self before you call anyone else gay looking." Then he told him how he had won her.

Then Naraku cried like a pansy for he had no comeback, and said; "If you can tell her from her sisters then I know that what you say is true." And he summoned his seven daughters to him, and there they all were, dressed in their robes of feathers and looking each like all the rest.

So Sesshomaru said, "If I may take each of them by the hand I will surely know my wife" for when she had dwelt with him she had sewn the little shifts and dresses of her children, and the forefinger of her right hand had the marks of the needle.

And when he had taken the hand of each of the swan maidens he soon found which was his wife Kagura and claimed her for his own. Then Naraku shouted random obscenities at them in German while they made their way down the Crystal Mountain.

And after a while they reached home, and lived happily together ever afterwards.


	8. The Six Swans

King Naraku was once hunting in a great forest, and he hunted so eagerly that none of his courtiers could follow him. When evening came on he stood still and looked around him, and he saw that he was lost. Then he saw an old woman with a shaking head coming towards him.

"Hey witch,"' he said to her, "Show me the way out of the woods!"

"Oh, certainly, Sir King," she replied, "I can quite well do that, but on one condition which if you do not fulfil you will never get out of the wood, and will die of hunger."

"What is the condition?"' asked Naraku.

"I have a daughter," said the old woman, "Who is so beautiful that she has not her equal in the world, and is well fitted to be your wife; if you will make her lady-queen I will show you the way out of the wood."

Naraku in his anguish of mind consented, and the old woman led him to her little house where her daughter Tsubaki was sitting by the fire. She received Naraku as if she were expecting him, and he saw that she was certainly very beautiful; but she did not please him, and he could not look at her without a secret feeling of horror. As soon as he had lifted Tsubaki on to his horse the old woman showed him the way, and Naraku reached his palace, where the wedding was celebrated.

Naraku had already been married once, and had by his first wife eight children, seven boys who liked to call themselves the Band of Seven, and one girl, whom he didn't give a flying fuck about. And now, because he was afraid that their stepmother might find out how he liked to perform satanic rituals on them every night, he put them in a lonely castle that stood in the middle of a forest.

It lay so hidden, and the way to it was so hard to find, that he himself could not have found it out had not a wise-woman given him a reel of thread which possessed a marvellous property: when he threw it before him it unwound itself and showed him the way.

But Naraku went so often to his dear children that Tsubaki was offended at his absence. She grew curious, and wanted to know what he had to do quite alone in the woods. She gave his servants a great deal of money, and they betrayed the secret to her, and also told her of the reel which alone could point out the way. She had no rest now till she had found out where Naraku guarded the reel, and then she made some little white shirts, and, as she had learnt from her witch-mother, sewed an enchantment in each of them.

And when Naraku had ridden off she took the little shirts and went into the woods, and the reel showed her the way. The children, who saw someone coming in the distance, thought it was their father coming to them, and sprang to try to kill him like they always did.

Then she threw over each one a little shirt, which when it had touched their bodies changed them into swans, and they flew away over the forest. Tsubaki went home quite satisfied, and thought she had gotten rid of her step-children; but the girl had not run to meet her with her brothers, and she knew nothing of her.

The next day Naraku came to torture his children, but he found no one but the girl, Kagura.

"Where are your brothers?"' asked Naraku.

"Oh, NOW you give a fuck?!" she answered, "They have gone away and left me all alone." And she told him that looking out of her little window she had seen her brothers flying over the wood in the shape of swans, and she showed him the feathers which they had let fall in the yard she had collected.

Naraku rejoiced but he did not think that Tsubaki had done it, and as he was afraid she would make him stop torturing Kagura he wanted to take her with him. But Kagura pimp-slapped Naraku and ordered him to let her stay just one night more in the castle in the woods, and he cried like a wussy and said yes.

Kagura thought, "My home is no longer here; I will go and seek my brothers." And when night came she fled away into the forest. She ran all through the night and the next day, till she could go no farther for weariness. Then she saw a little hut, went in, and found a room with seven little beds.

She was afraid to lie down on them because they all had weird voodoo shit and weapons on them and looked extremely unsanitary, so she crept under one and lay on the hard floor, and was going to spend the night there. But when the sun had set she heard a noise, and saw seven swans flying in at the window. They stood on the floor and blew at one another, and blew all their feathers off, and their swan-skin came off like shirts.

Then Kagura recognized her brothers, the Band of Seven and overjoyed she crept out from under the bed. Her brothers were no less delighted than she to see their little sister again, but their joy did not last long.

"You cannot stay here," Bankotsu said to her. "This super secret murder-planning hiding place; if the po-po were to come here and find you they would kill you."

"Could you not protect me?" asked the Kagura.

"No," Jakotsu answered, "For we can only lay aside our swan skins for a quarter of an hour every evening. It sucks because the feathers are so pretty! For this time we regain our human forms, but then we are changed into pretty swans again."

Then the little sister cursed and said, "Can you not be freed?"

"Oh, no," Renkotsu said, "the conditions are too hard. You must not speak or laugh for seven years, and must make in that time seven shirts for us out of star-flowers. If a single word comes out of your mouth, all your labor is vain." And when the brothers had said this the quarter of an hour came to an end, and they flew away out of the window as swans.

But Kagura had determined to free her brothers even if it should cost her her life. She left the hut, went into the forest, climbed a tree, and spent the night there. The next morning she went out, collected star-flowers, and began to sew. She could speak to no one, and she had no wish to laugh, so she sat there, looking only at her work.

When she had lived there some time, it happened that Prince Sesshomaru was hunting in the forest, and his hunters came to the tree on which Kagura sat. They called to her and said "Who are you?"

But she gave no answer.

"Come down to us," they said, "We will do you no harm."

But she shook her head silently. As they pressed her further with questions, she threw them the golden chain from her neck. But they did not leave off, and she threw them her girdle, and when this was no use, her garters, and then her dress.

Why she thought stripping herself naked would do anything is beyond me.

The huntsmen would not leave her alone, but climbed the tree, lifted Kagura down, and led her to the Prince Sesshomaru. Sesshomaru asked, "Who are you? What are you doing up that tree?"

But she answered nothing.

He asked her in all the languages he knew, but she remained quiet. Because she was so sexy, however, Sesshomaru's heart was touched along with some other places, and he was seized with a great love for her. He wrapped her up in his cloak, placed her before him on his horse and brought her to his castle.

There he had her dressed in rich clothes, and her beauty shone out as bright as day, but not a word could be drawn from her. He set her at table by his side, and her sexiness made him so horny that he said, "I will marry Kagura and none other in the world," and after some days he married her.

But Sesshomaru had a wicked servant, Older Rin, who wanted to marry him and was jealous of Kagura; and said wicked things of the young Queen. "Who knows who this girl is?" she said; "she cannot speak, and is not worthy of a king."

After a year, when Kagura had her first child, Older Rin took it away from her and hid it. Then she went to Sesshomaru and said that Kagura had killed it. Sesshomaru would not believe it, and would not allow any harm to be done her.

The next time she had a child Older Rin did the same thing, but Sesshomaru could not make up his mind to believe her. He said, "She is gorgeous and sexy to do such a thing as that. If she could defend herself, her innocence would be proven." But when the third child was taken away, and Kagura was again accused, and could not utter a word in her own defense, the Sesshomaru was obliged to give her over to the law, which decreed that she must be burnt to death.

When the day came on which the sentence was to be executed, it was the last day of the seven years in which she must not speak or laugh, and now she had freed her dear brothers from the power of the enchantment. The seven shirts were done; there was only the left sleeve wanting to the last.

When she was led to the stake, she laid the shirts on her arm, and as she stood on the pile and the fire was about to be lighted, she looked around her and saw six swans flying through the air. Then she knew that her release was at hand and her heart danced for joy. The swans fluttered round her, and hovered low so that she could throw the shirts over them.

When they had touched them the swan skins fell off, and her brothers stood before her living, well and beautiful. Only Jakotsu had a swan's wing instead of his left arm, which he liked, for it made him feel pretty and witty and gay.

They embraced and kissed each other, and Kagura went to the Sesshomaru, who was standing by in great astonishment, and began to speak to him, saying, "Yeah, I could talk all along. I'm innocent-I mean look at me. How could some as sexy as me be guilty?"

She told him of Older Rin's deceit, and how she had taken the three children away and hidden them. Then they were fetched, to the great joy of Sesshomaru, and Older Rin came to no good end.

But Sesshomaru and Kagura with their seven brothers lived many years in happiness and peace.


	9. The Goose Girl

Once upon a time an old queen named Sango whose husband had been dead for many years had a beautiful daughter named Kagura. When she grew up she was betrothed to a prince named Sesshomaru who lived a great way off. Now, when the time drew near for her to be married and to depart into a foreign kingdom, her old mother gave her a lot of useless shit she found in the toilet.

She gave her a waiting- maid named Older Rin also, who was to ride with her and hand her over to the bridegroom, and she provided each of them with a horse for the journey. The Princess's horse was called Kirara and could speak.

When the hour for departure drew near the old mother went to her bedroom, and taking a small knife she cut her fingers till they bled; then she held a white rag under them, and letting three drops of blood fall into it, she gave it to her daughter, and said: "Dear child, take great care of this rag: it may be of use to you on the journey."

So they took a sad farewell of each other, and Kagura stuck the rag in front of her dress while wondering if Sango had gone insane, mounted her horse, and set forth on the journey to her bridegroom's kingdom. After they had ridden for about an hour Kagura began to feel very thirsty, and said to her waiting- maid: "Can you get down and fetch me some water in my golden cup out of that stream? I would like a drink."

"If you're thirsty," said Older Rin, "dismount yourself, and lie down by the water and drink; I don't mean to be your servant any longer." Kagura was so thirsty that she got down, bent over the stream, and drank, for she wasn't allowed to drink out of the golden goblet. As she drank she murmured: "Stupid bitch, what should I do with her?" and the three drops of blood replied:

"If your mother only knew,  
Her heart would surely break in two."

But Kagura thought she was going nuts hearing rags talk, so she said Older Rin's rude behavior, and quietly mounted her horse again. They rode on their way for several miles, but the day was hot, and the sun's rays smote fiercely on them, so that Kagura was soon overcome by thirst again.

And as they passed a brook she called once more to Older Rin: "Get me a damn drink," for she had long ago forgotten her maid's rude words. But the Older Rin replied, more haughtily even than before: "If you want a fucking drink, you can dismount and get it; I don't mean to be your servant, even thought hat's exaclt what I am."

Then Kagura was compelled by her thirst to get down, and bending over the flowing water she cried and said: "Oh! what so I do with that dumb whore?" and the three drops of blood replied:

"If your mother only knew,  
Her heart would surely break in two."

And as she drank thus, and leaned right over the water, the rag containing the three drops of blood fell from her bosom and floated down the stream, and she in her anxiety never even noticed her loss. But Older Rin had observed it with delight, as she knew it gave her power over the bride, for in losing the drops of blood the Princess had become weak and powerless.

I guess the blood was magic or something.

When she wished to get on her horse Kirara again, Older Rin called out: "I mean to ride Kirara: you must mount my beast"; and this too she had to submit to. Then Older Rin commanded her harshly to take off her royal robes, and to put on her common ones,and finally she made her swear by heaven not to say a word about the matter when they reached the palace; and if she hadn't taken this oath she would have been killed on the spot. But Kirara observed everything, and laid it all to heart.

Older Rin now mounted Kirara, and the real bride the worse horse, and so they continued their journey till at length they arrived at the palace yard. There was great rejoicing over the arrival, and Sesshomaru sprang forward to meet them, and taking the waiting-maid for his bride, he lifted her down from her horse and led her upstairs to the royal chamber.

In the meantime the real Princess was left standing below in the courtyard. The old King Inu no Taisho, who was looking out of his window, beheld her in this plight, and it struck him how smexy she looked. He went at once to the royal chamber, and asked Older Rin who it was she had brought with her and had left thus standing in the court below.

"Oh!" replied Older Rin, "I brought her with me to keep me company on the journey; give the girl something to do, that she may not be idle."

But Inu no Taisho had no work for her, and couldn't think of anything; so he said, "I've a small boy who looks after the geese, she'd better help him." The youth's name was Kohaku, and the real bride was made to assist him in herding geese.

Soon after this Older Rin said to the Sesshomaru: "Dearest husband, I pray you grant me a favor."

He answered: "That I will."

"Then let the slaughterer cut off the head of the horse I rode here upon, because it behaved very badly on the journey." But the truth was she was afraid lest the horse should speak and tell how she had treated Kagura. She carried her point, and the faithful Kirara was doomed to die.

When the news came to the ears of Kagura she went to the slaughterer, and secretly promised him a piece of gold if he would do something for her. There was in the town a large dark gate, through which she had to pass night and morning with the geese; would he "kindly hang up Kirara's head there, that she might see it once again?" The slaughterer said he would do as she desired, chopped off the head, and nailed it firmly over the gateway.

Early next morning, as she and Kohaku were driving their flock through the gate, she said as she passed under:

"Oh! Kirara, 'tis you hang there";

and the head replied:

" 'Tis you; pass under, Princess fair:  
If your mother only knew,  
Her heart would surely break in two."

Then she left the tower and drove the geese into a field. And when they had reached the common where the geese fed she sat down and unloosed her hair, which was black but glittered like gold. Kohaku loved to see it glitter in the sun, and wanted much to pull some hair out. Then she spoke:

"Wind, wind, gently sway,  
Blow Kohaku's hat away;  
Let him chase o'er field and wold  
Till my locks of ruddy gold,  
Now astray and hanging down,  
Be combed and plaited in a crown."

Then a gust of wind blew Kohaku's hat away, and he had to chase it over hill and dale. When he returned from the pursuit she had finished her combing and curling, and his chance of getting any hair was gone. Kohaku was very angry, and wouldn't speak to her. So they herded the geese till evening and then went home.

The next morning, as they passed under the gate, the girl said:

"Oh! Kirara, 'tis you hang there";

and the head replied:

" 'Tis you; pass under, Princess fair:  
If your mother only knew,  
Her heart would surely break in two."

Then she went on her way till she came to the common, where she sat down and began to comb out her hair; then Kohaku ran up to her and wanted to grasp some of the hair from her head because he had not learned from the first time, and she called out hastily:

"Wind, wind, gently sway,  
Blow Kohaku's hat away;  
Let him chase o'er field and wold  
Till my locks of ruddy gold,  
Now astray and hanging down,  
Be combed and plaited in a crown."

Then a puff of wind came and blew Kohaku's hat far away, so that he had to run after it; and when he returned she had long finished putting up her golden locks, and he couldn't get any hair; so they watched the geese till it was dark.

No one knew why the hat was so important to Kohaku.

But that evening when they got home Kohaku went to Inu no Taisho, and said: "I refuse to herd geese any longer with that girl."

"For what reason?" asked Inu no Taisho.

"Because she does nothing but annoy me all day long," replied Kohaku; and he proceeded to relate all her iniquities, and said: "Every morning as we drive the flock through the dark gate she says to a horse's head that hangs on the wall:

" 'Oh! Kirara, 'tis you hang there';

and the head replies:

" 'Tis you; pass under, Princess fair:  
If your mother only knew,  
Her heart would surely break in two. "

And Kohaku went on to tell what passed on the common where the geese fed, and how he had always to chase his hat.

Inu no Taisho bade him go and drive forth his flock as usual next day; and when morning came he himself took up his position behind the dark gate, and heard how the goose-girl greeted Kirara. Then he followed her through the field, and hid himself behind a bush on the common. He soon saw with his own eyes how the goose-boy and the goose-girl looked after the geese, and how after a time the maiden sat down and loosed her hair, that glittered like gold, and repeated:

"Wind, wind, gently sway,  
Blow Kohaku's hat away;  
Let him chase o'er field and wold  
Till my locks of ruddy gold  
Now astray and hanging down,  
Be combed and plaited in a crown."

Then a gust of wind came and blew Kohaku's hat away, so that he had to fly over hill and dale after it, and the girl in the meantime quietly combed and plaited her hair: all this Inu no Taisho observed and aftering concluding that Kohaku was an idiot, he returned to the palace without anyone having noticed him.

In the evening when the goose-girl came home he called her aside, and asked her why she behaved as she did.

"Mind your own business."

Inu no Taisho begged her to tell him all, and left her no peace, but he could get nothing out of her. At last he said: "Well, if you won't tell me, confide your trouble to the iron stove there," and he went away.

Kagura wondered why the hell he had just told her to talk to a stove...but then again, she talked to inanimate objects all the time anyway. So she crept to the stove, and began to sob and cry and to pour out her poor little heart, and said: "Here I sit, deserted by all the world, I who am a king's daughter, and a false waiting- maid has forced me to take off my own clothes, and has taken my place with my bridegroom, while I have to fulfill the lowly office of goose-girl.

"If my mother only knew  
Her heart would surely break in two."

But Inu no Taisho stood outside at the stove chimney, and listened to her words. Then he entered the room again, and bidding her leave the stove, he ordered royal apparel to be put on her, in which she looked amazingly smexy. Then he summoned his son, and revealed to him that he had got the false bride, who was nothing but a waiting-maid, while the real one, in the guise of the ex-goose-girl, was standing at his side.

Sesshomaru rejoiced from his heart when he saw her smexiness and learned how horny she made him, and a great banquet was prepared, to which everyone was bidden. Sesshomaru sat at the head of the table, Kagura on one side of him and the Older Rin on the other; but she was so stupid that she did not recognize Kagura in her glittering garments. Now when they had eaten and drunk, and were merry, Inu no Taisho asked the waiting-maid to answer a question for him.

"What," said he, "should be done to a certain person who has deceived everyone?" and he proceeded to relate the whole story ending up with, "Now what sentence should be passed?"

Then Older Rin answered: "She deserves to be put stark naked into a barrel lined with sharp nails, which should be dragged by two white horses up and down the street till she is dead."

"You are the person, you sadistic bitch." said Inu no Taisho, "And you have passed sentence on yourself; and so it shall be done to you."

And when the sentence had been carried out Sesshomaru was married to Kagura, and both reigned over the kingdom in peace and happiness.


End file.
